jakethorn's blog
Journal 8.2
I haven't written anything in awhile. I have less energy than I did before. You go through 5 rounds of chemo and keep up daily posting.. I'll tip my cap to you. Apologies to anyone who thought maybe I bit the dust last week. No, I'm still here. Hanging on. But for all the shit I've gone through, the lymphoma is on its last legs and that's what counts.
Journal 7.21
I've gone two straight days without a fever. For better or worse, that's become the definition of a great accomplishment for me. Last bit of chemo was rough. Fevers, loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting, fatigue, haze. Spiritually it hit me hard, mainly seeing my weight bottom out at under 120... which is absolutely fucked and psyched me out bad, even though the doctors said it was no big deal. My highest fever was 103.5, enough to get the attention of even more doctors than before, which is obviously my #1 goal every day here. ... Some days I just slept. Some nights I couldn't sleep at all.
Journal 7.14
Just a bare-bones update this time. I didn’t journal for a few days because they were shitty and I wasn’t up to it. A couple of them involved fevers. Lots of nausea. The odd throwing up of a meal. You know, the usual.
ICC indicts Sudan President Bashir for Darfur genocide
In a potentially earth-shaking move, the International Criminal Court has charged Sudanese President Omar Hassan al-Bashir with war crimes related to the Darfur genocide. LINK
Luis Moreno-Ocampo on Monday urged a three-judge panel to issue an arrest warrant for President Omar Hassan al-Bashir to prevent the deaths of about 2.5 million people forced from their homes in the war-torn region of Darfur and who are still under attack from government-backed Janjaweed militia.
The five charges against al-Bashir include masterminding attempts to wipe out African tribes in the war-torn region with a campaign of murder, rape and deportation.
I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, yes, Bashir is a war criminal. He IS responsible for hundreds of thousands, likely millions, of deaths in Darfur. He's a totalitarian leader with no consideration for his people and he's impossible to negotiate with. On the other hand, it's not like he's actually going to be arrested. There's no way for the ICC to enforce this warrant, so all it really does is make the Sudanese government that much more pissed off at the West, making it that much less likely any lasting peace deal can get done.
My friend May, who's been over there as an aid worker and knows more about the region than anybody I know, called this "the worst setback to the peace process that has happened in Sudan in recent years."
I wonder what'll happen.
Journal 7.9: Good News
Yesterday was shit, but huge good news today… it turns out that my little brother Wayne is a bone marrow match. This is incredibly important. It means that there’s something to aim for after the rounds of chemo. Something to hope for. It’s not just one long, blind path anymore. There are still a lot of unknowns and pitfalls ahead, but there’s at least this one point I can anchor my outlook on, like a marker to aim for.
Iraq, Afghanistan Vets and Substance Abuse
I caught an article on military.com worth a read today. It's been clear for months that soldiers coming back from Iraq aren't getting the support they need. Things don't seem to be getting much better. Link:
Most nights when Anthony Klecker, a former marine, finally slept, he found himself back on the battlefields of Iraq. He would awake in a panic, and struggle futilely to return to sleep.
Days were scarcely better. Car alarms shattered his nerves. Flashbacks came unexpectedly, at the whiff of certain cleaning chemicals. Bar fights seemed unavoidable; he nearly attacked a man for not washing his hands in the bathroom.
Desperate for sleep and relief, Mr. Klecker, 30, drank heavily. One morning, his parents found him in the driveway slumped over the wheel of his car, the door wide open, wipers scraping back and forth. Another time, they found him curled in a fetal position in his closet.
Yet only after his drunken driving caused the death of a 16-year-old cheerleader did Mr. Klecker acknowledge the depth of his problem: His eight months at war had profoundly damaged his psyche.
“I was trying to be the tough marine I was trained to be — not to talk about problems, not to cry,” said Mr. Klecker, who has since been diagnosed with severe post-traumatic stress disorder. “I imprisoned myself in my own mind.”
The article moves on from his individual example to examine the big picture.
Journal 7.8: Setbacks
Last time I wrote, I was optimistic about going home tomorrow. This morning, the doctors informed me that the lymphoma has regrouped and that I need to start a brand new round of chemo today. I'm currently getting my premeds. Here are some words to describe how I'm feeling:
-pissed
-depressed
-demoralized
-cheated
-shocked
-violated
-deceived
-bitter
This was totally unexpected. This was supposed to be the time that I ACTUALLY got to go home, to recharge my mind and regroup for the months of long battles ahead. But no, instead I'm in the same bed waiting to get more death chemicals that will make me feel like shit for the next week, give me fevers and nausea and take away my appetite and force me further toward addiction to the pain meds. I'm floored. The rug has been pulled out from under me. Again.