Lose the Label
A Student Activist Community

posted by jakethorn on July 21, 2008 - 8:20pm

I've gone two straight days without a fever. For better or worse, that's become the definition of a great accomplishment for me. Last bit of chemo was rough. Fevers, loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting, fatigue, haze. Spiritually it hit me hard, mainly seeing my weight bottom out at under 120... which is absolutely fucked and psyched me out bad, even though the doctors said it was no big deal. My highest fever was 103.5, enough to get the attention of even more doctors than before, which is obviously my #1 goal every day here. ... Some days I just slept. Some nights I couldn't sleep at all. There was a day and a half somewhere in there where whenever no one was bothering me I just slept, didn't even eat. This is chemotherapy. I'm neck deep in what everybody warned me about and it's just as bad as they said. I'll be so glad when it's over.

As bad as I've had it, the cancer's had it worse. The doctors say I've made good progress and it may just be one more round before I go to transplant. I'm already due to start, but the doctors are taking it day by day with me. I think they want to see some stability before walloping me again. I don't mind the extra day or two.

When my appetite disappeared, the doctors put me on "12-hour TPN" ... (defn: calories via the IV bag, but only at night). I was still allowed to order food, and sometimes I forced myself to eat but it's easier said than done because the nausea claims a lot of that. I finally did get hungry again this weekend though, started eating as much as possible and my weight got back up to 130 last night. It made my colitis worse today, but it was already horrible, so the trade is worth it.

Somebody told me a great quote, either here or on Facebook or a blog.... "When you're going through Hell, keep going." Winston Churchill said it. That's my mantra for the next few weeks. I know this is the hardest part. But I've come this far.

Thanks everybody for leaving the encouraging (and inspiring) comments, every one I read gives me another piece of energy to go on.

I hope I don't have to go a week without writing again. Anyway, until next time...