cancer
Journal 10.5.08: Giving Blood
I got a unit of red blood today. It turns out the bone marrow transplant is having some nasty side effects on my body. To fight back, I’m on a very high dosage of a bunch of drugs that are creating some nasty side effects of their own. For example, I’m currently taking 100mL a day of a steroid called methylprednisone. It’s bad stuff and has driven my blood statistics down back close to where they were when I was first diagnosed with cancer. So today the doctors finally had to break down and pump another bag of blood in my arm to replace what I’m losing.
I must have gotten at least a hundred bags of red blood from anonymous donors since my hospital experience started in April, not to mention hundreds of bags of supplementary blood products called platelets. Every time I get a bag, it saves my life. Each occasion represents a completely anonymous stranger giving me, some random guy they’ll never even meet and might not even like, a free opportunity to live another day. It boggles my mind that I’ve gotten so many second chances. It fills me with so much warmth and appreciation for people.
I want to take this opportunity to ask you to give blood to your local donation center. I wish I could repay every single ounce I’ve gotten to every miraculous stranger who’s saved my life, but my tainted medical history rules me out. All I can do is ask YOU to take my place and help some OTHER desperate stranger with your own gift of life… appeal to you to be the hero to somebody else that those hundreds of people are to me. And if/when you do, let me know and I’ll take you out for a beer or a burrito because you kick ass. But seriously, please think about it. It’s easy, it saves lives and there’s always plenty of demand.
Journal 9.15.08: REMISSION
Today I found out I'm cancer-free.
I've wanted so badly to write something about all this but I just can't find the words. I have so much to say. And I will, but for now, I just want to spread the word --- my cancer is in remission, and it looks like I'm going to be okay. Much love to all of you who've left comments, I read every single one and the support got me through many a dark day.
I've always been a cynical person, but I've seen so many amazing things and met so many incredible, caring people throughout this journey that I don't know what I think anymore. For now, I'm just happy to have good news for once and wanted to share it with those of you who've followed my progress. Thank you and I can't wait till I have the strength to get back to my calling here. I haven't forgotten activism or writing, I've just been on a rudely imposed break. Before all this happened, I had a great idea of what I was fighting against in this world but now I have an equally strong feel for what I'm fighting for. So cheers, and look for me to be around more from now on.
R2R: Ups and Downs
The last couple days have been full of those ups and downs everybody's told me to expect. I had two rough nights, couldn't sleep because I was in a lot of pain. I've been losing a lot of blood from the ulcerative colitis, so I got three units of blood yesterday and a unit of platelets. But for the downs, there've also been ups.
Urgency
There's no good way to start this essay so I'm just gonna hit the ground running...
Last week I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s an intense feeling to be 23 and knowing you might not see 24 and that the outcome isn’t so much in your hands as it is you’re just gonna have to wing it. Everybody tells me to think positive and I’m trying, but there are going to be good days and bad days and I’m not good at lying to myself so there’s no sense in cre. I cried a few times the first day but it was a relief, too; at least I finally knew what I was dealing with. I’d been in the hospital for a couple weeks with tons of symptoms but no diagnosis, so having hard facts and a course of action was a welcome development, even if it was the C-word.
I got the news on Wednesday. I started chemo on Friday and finished the first round on Sunday. I was tired on Monday and Tuesday. Today I walked around outside for awhile and it was great. The weather is all grey and dreary but fresh air of any kind is a beautiful thing when you’re stuck inside virtually 24/7. Later my little brothers visited and I saw my mom and dad in the same room for the first time in years. It’s been quite an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve learned a lot in a short time, about myself, other people and life in general.